“And behold, some are last who will be first, and some are first who will be last.”

Luke 13:30 (ESV)

I’d have to say that’s essentially my feeling about this week: the title and the quote.

The truth is, I was one of the “last” into Bryn Mawr–I was off the wait list and that’s always given me a sense of being the underdog. Against what felt like great odds, I managed to do really well my first year. This whole semester was the opposite of my first year. What’s strange is that I cannot (mostly) put my finger on one particular moment that exemplifies my Sophomore Slump. Nonetheless, I know I’ve been experiencing it quite fully. I guess I now have a contender for worst moment, at least.

Thursday was a busy night. I had my final French TA session and my morning classes, a Chamber rehearsal, the Hogwarts dinner, and then a Chamber performance. As I’ve mentioned, I was part of a solo “trio.” I bombed as badly as one can when holding the music in her hand and not squeeking like a pubescent boy. Which is to say, pretty badly. My trio members did a really admirable job covering for me but I know we were the worst “act” (so to speak) of the performance

Wands for sale! Olivander’s anyone?

thanks to me.

And I can’t really say what went wrong. I knew the 2nd solo that I ended up doing poorly on. Maybe it was that I wasn’t ready for my very short cue, that I wasn’t reading the music as closely as I should have been, that I’m underconfident in my operatic singing/singing in general, that I never wanted a solo and felt a bit sick from stuffing all the “Hogwarts” food down my throat, that we’d only practiced our parts within the larger piece a couple times. Who knows? I’m AWESOME at blame-shifting but I don’t know that it matters.

I think the experience is just going to go on the list of things I’d like to forget.

On the list of things to remember is the Hogwarts dinner.

Thomas Great Hall is the perfect venue and it was really nice how everyone (the Deans, and Dining Services) got all dressed up. I saw my manager, Steven, dressed as Professor Quirrel and it was amusing. The Extreme Keys sang, the food was delicious, and a wizard (me) condescended to sit with Muggles/Squibs (my graduated-friend who works at BMC).

I do wish I could have enjoyed it more; it just seemed I’d barely sat before the dinner was over.

Hogwarts Great HalBut if this is my final blog post of the semester then I think I should end on something profound.

But if this is my final blog post of the semester then I think I should end on something profound.

So how’s this for size?

I think what I’ve been feeling this semester is tied to feelings I’ve been having for a long time. Ever since I turned 12, I’ve been trying to escape. It didn’t much matter what it was: home-school, my family, whatever. The thing was, it wasn’t like I wanted to be ignorant or become an orphan. I think I’d (have) just absorbed more of that movie-dream garbage than I’d like to admit. I think I’m finally coming to grips with the idea of staying and not just holding on to the end but trying to grow from everything and know when I’m just being whiny.

My sister asked me when she visited if I thought she was better at starting thing or finishing them. Now I’ve started to ask myself that, and the answer is starting. I’m always excited to dive in but wretched and miserable as soon as I do.

It’s a skill. Going where you need and want to be and seeing things for what they are–not what you wish them to be. That’s what I’ve learned (premature New Years Statements!!) So that’s what I’ll try to look at this semester as: a lesson and an exercise in staying.

That’s it and good night, everyone. BON VACANCES!!

(But you know…)