Mawrter Musing

It's a jouncing joy-ride…

“An Institution that Paused”

March 21, 2015 by Zubin Hill | Comments Off on “An Institution that Paused”


This past Wednesday was the first-ever Community Day of Learning at Bryn Mawr College. As none of the other Banter Bloggers have opted to share their thoughts and feelings on the event, I choose to do so in the interests of my (tiny) readership.

The Community Day of Learning was organized in response to the Mawrter-led student protests against the hanging of the Confederate flag and the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner this past Fall. It was a fairly speedily crafted event, thus. Classes were canceled so that faculty, staff, and students might be free to participate in the different workshops and events taking place from 10-2PM. It was to be a cross-population discussion and interaction. (If you want a more in-the-moment reflection, you may check out my Twitter–link in the sidebar).


I was quite wary of the event at the start. I wasn’t certain of their aims. It didn’t help that my sister, who attends Calvin College, has to undergo and detests what Calvin calls Unlearn Week as she feels it a great pretense to caring about diversity. I didn’t want Bryn Mawr to pretend to me; I didn’t want to be in a situation where diversity became a cudgel; I didn’t…know what to feel or think and settled on caution.

My beauteous collage made in Challenges to the Binary - intended to depict my personal racial understanding.

My beauteous collage made in the Challenges to the Black/White Binary workshop – intended to depict my personal racial understanding.

It all transpired vastly better than my worst fears but not as wonderful as my loftiest imaginings (well, what does anyway?) I woke up bright and early to participate in as many events as possible. As it was, I already had to miss a workshop because my voice lesson was in direct conflict with the events scheduled in that time slot. I did manage to participate in the Challenges to the Black/White Binary workshop, which was led by two recent BMC alumni. Though I understand what the terminology (Black/White binary) means and have heard it referenced rather frequently, I never truly thought about how the binary’s narrow definition of race (you’re either white or black!) might affect those who truly feel they are neither or both. I also feel the binary is a blockade even for those who DO identify as black–such as myself. I often find more in common with those outside my “race” than I do with those “within” it. 

As part of the Day of Learning, the Bryn Mawr administration hired an interactive theater group called Theater Delta to host two performances. The session I attended began with a short sketch of three students (a Latina, a “white” girl, and a “black” girl) who were working on a presentation for Ethics class on Affirmative Action. Various kinds of racial insensitivities ensued. We, the audience, were then called upon to ask the characters questions about their actions and discuss the real world implications. We thought about how to respond to micro-aggressions, whether the minority should be called upon to be a teacher of diversity, and how we treat and view within-group stereotype-enacting versus out-group stereotype-enacting. There was an intersection of the discussion of the Binary here. There seemed a great tendency to forget that “minorities” can inflict micro-aggressions against each other–which was an interesting (frequent) omission.

I am happy that BMC made the effort to go through with such a day. We may indeed be the first college to suspend most activities for a discussion like that–but that’s not the point. The point is that the bureaucracy didn’t prevent us from getting together and talking, that the administration listened  and understood enough to see this was important. Yes, I heard some complainers and I heard some enthusiasts, but that is my final thought. We dared to do and maybe err.

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no has ever been before.”

~ Albert Einstein

(Quote taken my collage)

Notes: Title quote is attributed to President Kimberly Cassidy in reference to BMC “pausing” to consider racial issues (Closing Session, BMC Community Day of Learning; 3/18/2015.) Full quote: “We are an institution that paused.” 
Additional information: http://news.brynmawr.edu/2015/03/20/campus-comes-together-for-community-day-of-learning/

January 22, 2015
by Zubin Hill
Comments Off on Where I’ve Been

Where I’ve Been

I want to share a piece I wrote some 2 years ago. I’m posting this in the midst of the furor about the upcoming battles between the GOP-controlled Congress and Obama (especially post-State of the Union). I feel my thoughts then … Continue reading

The Epic Theory of #fail

December 12, 2014 by Zubin Hill | Comments Off on The Epic Theory of #fail

“And behold, some are last who will be first, and some are first who will be last.”

Luke 13:30 (ESV)

I’d have to say that’s essentially my feeling about this week: the title and the quote.

The truth is, I was one of the “last” into Bryn Mawr–I was off the wait list and that’s always given me a sense of being the underdog. Against what felt like great odds, I managed to do really well my first year. This whole semester was the opposite of my first year. What’s strange is that I cannot (mostly) put my finger on one particular moment that exemplifies my Sophomore Slump. Nonetheless, I know I’ve been experiencing it quite fully. I guess I now have a contender for worst moment, at least.

Thursday was a busy night. I had my final French TA session and my morning classes, a Chamber rehearsal, the Hogwarts dinner, and then a Chamber performance. As I’ve mentioned, I was part of a solo “trio.” I bombed as badly as one can when holding the music in her hand and not squeeking like a pubescent boy. Which is to say, pretty badly. My trio members did a really admirable job covering for me but I know we were the worst “act” (so to speak) of the performance

Wands for sale! Olivander's anyone?

Wands for sale! Olivander’s anyone?

thanks to me.

And I can’t really say what went wrong. I knew the 2nd solo that I ended up doing poorly on. Maybe it was that I wasn’t ready for my very short cue, that I wasn’t reading the music as closely as I should have been, that I’m underconfident in my operatic singing/singing in general, that I never wanted a solo and felt a bit sick from stuffing all the “Hogwarts” food down my throat, that we’d only practiced our parts within the larger piece a couple times. Who knows? I’m AWESOME at blame-shifting but I don’t know that it matters.

I think the experience is just going to go on the list of things I’d like to forget.

On the list of things to remember is the Hogwarts dinner.

Thomas Great Hall is the perfect venue and it was really nice how everyone (the Deans, and Dining Services) got all dressed up. I saw my manager, Steven, dressed as Professor Quirrel and it was amusing. The Extreme Keys sang, the food was delicious, and a wizard (me) condescended to sit with Muggles/Squibs (my graduated-friend who works at BMC).

I do wish I could have enjoyed it more; it just seemed I’d barely sat before the dinner was over.

Hogwarts Great Hall

Hogwarts Great HalBut if this is my final blog post of the semester then I think I should end on something profound.

But if this is my final blog post of the semester then I think I should end on something profound.

So how’s this for size?

I think what I’ve been feeling this semester is tied to feelings I’ve been having for a long time. Ever since I turned 12, I’ve been trying to escape. It didn’t much matter what it was: home-school, my family, whatever. The thing was, it wasn’t like I wanted to be ignorant or become an orphan. I think I’d (have) just absorbed more of that movie-dream garbage than I’d like to admit. I think I’m finally coming to grips with the idea of staying and not just holding on to the end but trying to grow from everything and know when I’m just being whiny.

My sister asked me when she visited if I thought she was better at starting thing or finishing them. Now I’ve started to ask myself that, and the answer is starting. I’m always excited to dive in but wretched and miserable as soon as I do.

It’s a skill. Going where you need and want to be and seeing things for what they are–not what you wish them to be. That’s what I’ve learned (premature New Years Statements!!) So that’s what I’ll try to look at this semester as: a lesson and an exercise in staying.

That’s it and good night, everyone. BON VACANCES!!

(But you know…)

Hell Requests, Sister Visits, and Yuletide

December 5, 2014 by Zubin Hill | Comments Off on Hell Requests, Sister Visits, and Yuletide

Christmas is in the air…

Christa pretending to be a mannequin.

My Bryn Mawr Thanksgivings tend to be rather dull events. It always seems a rather strange–and short–break. There’s no one here and not much to do.

This break was a bit different. My elder sister, who goes to school at Calvin College in Michigan, came to visit and invited one of her friends who goes to Penn State along for the ride. We spent Thanksgiving with an elder friend of mine and navigated the public transit system (the High Speed Line, cuz we’re cheap) to get into Philly. It was quite wonderful having her around. I’ve really felt and come to grips with the “sophomore slump” this year. My best friends (and Heller) were seniors and graduated last year. I’d just come to view Bryn Mawr with jaded eyes. Christa really brightened things for me. To her, everything was beautiful and novel. She even claimed she wanted to stay just for the juice machines. I think I understand better, too, the idea of living vicariously through someone.

Before City Hall!

Before City Hall!

Sometimes it takes an outsider to give the insider a refreshed view of her situation.

Another cool thing is this: the Yuletide Hogwarts Feast!

I was so frighened I would miss it (they apparently only happen once every 4 years) as I have a Chamber Singers concert at the same time.

And I’m one of a solo trio so…

BUT I found just the perfect arrangement of Blue buses and mealtimes! I’ll be sippin’ Pumpkin Juice with the best of them!

Though I had wanted to be Ravenclaw, at the time slot I needed there were only:

If being a Hufflepuff = living by the kitchens, then I'll take it!

If being a Hufflepuff = living by the kitchens, then I’ll take it!

Hufflepuff.

I really don’t think I’m a super happy person and all that but, hey, maybe the yellows are where the Sorting Hat wants me to be.

*Shrugs*

Hell Week:

Now, I’d thought I was destined to be Hell-barren (a term I made up)–namely that I would have no Hellees. (All this has to do with Hell Week, a way to welcome first year students). However, all that changed on Tuesday.

I’d just gotten back from getting my Yuletide ticket and encountered my suitemate on the way back to the room. She stopped me and asked if I’d been to the room already.

Now it’s probably a measure of my greed, but the first thing I thought was that she’d gotten me a Yuletide ticket (you could get one for an absentee friend). I prepared myself to say I already had one only to be dumbfounded when she said, “[Our other suitemate] had asked us to be her Hellers.”

So, when I got back to the room I saw this:

IMG_4273

And I checked my answer: Yes.

Get ready for Hell Week, little one!

November 23, 2014
by Zubin Hill
Comments Off on On Another Note

On Another Note

Really just so I can feel proper industrious– BaCaso had their culture show on Saturday AND got Erdman to have a African/Caribbean dinner on Friday. The jerk chicken was quite nicely spiced and the plantains were PERFECT!  I really did … Continue reading

A Tale of Two Concerts

November 16, 2014 by Zubin Hill | Comments Off on A Tale of Two Concerts

There is a difference between spectating and participating.

This seems obvious, but it is something that really came home for me this week for t’was Concert Week. I had a Chamber Singers practice every day this week except Wednesday. All in preparation for our concert with Marcel Khalife. And this is the lesson I learned.

But the Khalife concert wasn’t the only concert I attended. I also went to the Bryn Mawr Concert Series’ MisterWives and Little Daylights concert.

The Little Daylights performing during their opening set.

The Little Daylights performing during their opening set.

They were contrasting experiences. The first was teeming with people and all very nerve-wracking. The second was reasonably well attended (~110 people) but felt sparse because the space could hold twice that number. All through the MisterWives concert, I longed for a seat, knowledge of the words, or more excitement. I didn’t quite know what to do and felt like a bit of an imposter. Like I was doing something just because others do it (which, to be fair, was kinda true. I’ve never really been to a concert and wanted to try it out). I wanted to go crazy and get into the music but never felt I had the chance. I peered over heads and tried to find the best vantage point but all were lackluster.

Did I need to see the performers? Even when they were hopping excitedly, I didn’t feel like following them. Truly, the best part of the concert was when the lead singer of MisterWives got her band members to dance poorly for us. Then, at least, I got to cheer and have a laugh.

Note: Even saying all this, I want to give a massive shoutout to the members of the Bryn Mawr Concert Series group; they did a phenomonal job promoting and hosting the entire concert. (Brief info on them: they arrange for different classical and contemporary arts acts to come to campus and perform for free).

The concert made me want to re-examine my dreams of being a singer. How can I want to perform when I don’t enjoy concerts? When looking and listening to the lead singer made me think of the burny ears I get when I perform and how she must have felt?

The Khalife concert was worlds away from the other–in more ways than one. It was at Haverford, a Chamber Singers event (meaning I had a starring role in the night), and the music I was singing was in Arabic.

And it was amazing.

Our piece, Chants of the East (written by Mr. Khalife), went by extremely fast. Every other measure we were sitting down. No, standing up. Or hold on, waiting for the boys choir to sing their part? I started to conduct to myself so I could feel internally the same beat that Tom, our conductor, motions and bounces along. It was fun to stacatto out each word. Each word that I had struggled with so during rehearsals. Sometimes I kinda missed the cue or belatedly followed my fellows (I’m still learning to sight-read properly, after all). But sometimes I led them in parts where the vocal section has no breaks. I trilled out the high notes and played with the harmonies on the lower ones.

And in the ending chord I wished I was a first soprano so I could just attempt to sing that high note; so I could share in the glory of the ending and not just hover in the middle.

Sure. My ears felt hot as an oven. And yeah, I stood up from the bow a little too soon and thought something horrendously embarrassing was due to happen any moment. (Cue: music folder falling from hands. Cue: Zubin fainting because her knees locked. Cue: Zubin laughing for no apparent reason in the midst of silence).

But it was OK. It was splendiferous anyway. I beamed like an idiot after it was over and the cutest thing was Marcel Khalife giving Tom a hug and walking off the stage with him, arm in arm.

We’d done good.

I know now that no, I can not like most concerts and still perform. Performing is the opposite of spectating and I revel in it. I need to be in the action, bouncing and reeling, making noise and reacting.

That’s just who I am.

Info: http://www.philly.com/philly/columnists/david_patrick_stearns/20141113_Music_transcends_the_East-West_divide.html